Very often, someone I mentor will hear me say "...defending." What is meant by that is that the person in question is letting their ego defend a fixed position. The voice coming out of the mouth is that of the ego, usually fear-driven (or terror or panic) and it is not that being's true voice at all. I am always completely aware of that fact.
Most often, in the 'brown belt' stages, the person defending knows what they are doing as well. It is at least partially conscious but out of their 'control'. The ego is running amuck based on its default survival tactics. The scenario is horrific for the person running the program and, quite honestly, for me as the energies flow... though my heart remains open.
When the situation becomes impossible, and the 'mentor' walks away, is when the 'mentee' says "Yes, I'm defending because..." blah blah blah ad nauseum. The person's mind firmly (and fixedly) believes what they are spouting is true even though their consciousness knows differently.
I do have quite a bit of compassion for this place, though it doesn't seem so to those who end up getting the 'tough love' end of the stick. I remember being there and doing that... and the subsequent shame and self-blame when the realization hits home. Not needed, but what the ego does to defend itself. Sad, really, what we program our egos to do to and through us because that is how we have been programmed to learn. It is NO LONGER NECESSARY.
What to do when this happens? Ready?
STOP ... DEFENDING. Take a deep breath. Turn your whole being over to Source with as much calm and stability as you can manage, even if it is holding on by a thread. Turn the humility taps on full blast even though the ego will defy this. The ego will make 'you' hurt until it is convinced that a) you mean it and b) there is another way.
If there is interference involved, construct a mantra for yourself that reminds you that those interfering energies feed on your fear, your anger, and your discomfort. They will starve 'you' in order to be fed. Stop allowing it. How?
Place your mind on something or somewhere else. Not day-dreaming, unless that is your only available option (and I cannot imagine a situation where it is unless you are a quadriplegic on life support). Put your mind into another task... sometimes watching something silly (for a short while) works. Often housekeeping of some kind works. Physical activities are often best unless your mind continues to run amuck while so doing, then you have to put your mind somewhere 'else.'
Once upon a time, my Teacher invited me and several others to be on the working staff of a seminar. First, we worked for hours cleaning the venue. Karma yoga, anyone? Then, during that first night, he announced in front of his entire student body, that those working the seminar were about to be kicked out. Instant pariah status, in that community. I knew, without being told, that I had to pull on everything I am to stay as energetically stable, efficient and 'high vibe' as I could do, knowing what was to come.
All the next morning, it being a weekend event so I had no job to go to, I meditated, cleaned, and went for a run to keep my feelings and head clear. Afternoon beckoned and the fear and panic wanted to set in. I felt into my training. "A movie!" I exclaimed to myself. Blockbuster had just opened in those days and I knew it wasn't a rental I wanted. I needed to get out of my 'local circumstances' and put my mind somewhere where it could not obssess on the situation.
So I went to a silly Superman sequel playing locally at the time. I forced my mind to concentrate on something else. I then returned home, went for another run, and readied myself in formal business attire for the evening torture about to commence. Or so I thought.
I trusted that my Teacher was doing this for my own good, but I also 'knew' that my body would most likely reel from the pariah treatmet about to ensue. I kept my mind fixed on getting ready, on remembered scenes from the very silly movie... anywhere but on the fear. In short, I practiced my proverbial nether regions off!
I arrived early with the rest of the event staff and was assigned a position by the front door. Oh joy. Then I heard my Teacher's and Source's voice (slightly different, each one) in my head saying "What are you going to do with this?" "How are you going to play it?"
I was told later, by another person being let go, that she imagined herself standing at that door wearing a Big Bird costume from Sesame Street. Big Bird smiled and nodded at those coming and going and she was 'safe' behind the mask.
I don't remember what I 'did' exactly but I do remember being pulled and held 'up' because I chose to have that experience instead of that of the victim.
The 'happy ending' to this anecdote is not what you might expect. My Teacher did not pardon any one of us. He said "job well done" for the seminar... though there was still the final segment remaining. He told us that we had each mitigated the karmas that we might have previously incurred by showing up as we had done, and that we now needed to go and do something else for awhile. We each, in our own way, needed de-compression and integration time.
A few people wept, although covertly as that was not the done thing. A few became angry, though again not overtly. I felt relieved. I held my head up, looking my Teacher in the eye as so many were not doing, and said: "Thank you for everything." He winked at me... very covertly of course. And no, did not keep me on. He let go with all of the light and love that he was, and with streamers of light extended in my direction for my return.
This is what we, of the primary circle, hold. It is our privilege and our pleasure.
When the ego defends, it only defends the victim-tyrant-rebel-saviour dynamic and does nto do so with any aplomb.
When a mentor says "defending" take heart. Quite literally. The program is 'up' for dissolution. Let it go.
Is your love strong enough?