Entitlement, Reparations & Repairs ~

Entitlement, Reparations & Repairs ~

Since the Equinox, so for a fortnight or so, I have had bouts of memory show up. Memories of this life, mostly, thank goodness! It gets a little crazy-making when they show up from many all at once. And, I notice, the scenarios or montages are showing up in neat packages of threes. SHE is employing one of HER attention-getting devices. We have that one worked out, my mind, my awareness, my body and SHE. Though, as I am in blissful, much-needed stillness next to the sea, my heart is rejoicing, still these memories pop in.

I sometimes feel that SHE chooses moments when we are harmonized and at peace to show us things we would rather not remember or things we fear to see. I lost the fear of remembering anything long, long ago now. And so, I am more like Alice when the memories come. “Curiouser and curiouser.”

What I notice is that most of these memory bundles share a theme. This morning, the first such bundle had to do with my biological mother. You may still have those all the time. I do not. So I notice. I asked Mum, just yesterday, in her etheric, non-embodied form, to please piss off if she would be so kind. She tends to haunt my awareness in death as she did in life, by sending vibes of worry and fussing. I don’t worry or fuss. So I know from whence it comes… unless it is those around me.

The theme of the memories that have been coming up has been wrongdoing. Wrongdoing on my part. Never fun to look at, though one gains perspective as the light takes over. Not the kind of perspective that tells us, “Well, it wasn’t on the level of genocide, so…” but the kind that has us take an honest look, wish all parties well from the heart, and let go.

The memories of my mum were mixed. Walks by the lake where she grew up, spying out turtles together. We both loved that lake. I especially loved the still, softly lapping water of the early morning hours before anyone else was about. And so, here by the sea, up the memory came.

Then there were times when she phoned me, saying, “My red flags are flying, what’s wrong?” This, I can assure you, was dead annoying, especially when she was correct. It was usually that I was about to do something she would have disapproved of or disliked. Her list was long.

And, so, the memories held both love and frustration. And laughter, because those situations have been long sorted. What had not been sorted was a deep layer of self-condemnation. A secret “shoulding” on myself of how I could have handled things differently. And, so, I offered that layer to HER, where it belongs.

This morning’s second bundle held the theme of guilt. Shame, even, on my part, for three separate non-actions that had, in my estimation, cheated someone else. None of these were intentional, if looked at objectively. I knew that at the time. But what I noticed today was that some part of me still judged myself for entitlement. I judged that some part of me had felt entitled to let the thing lie and not “fix it.” And, I had not forgiven myself for these actions, however small they might have been.

My inner tally sheet has tended to be severe. I have spent so much of this life in the process of atonement, and in the attempt to never inconvenience anyone, ever. No ego there! {she says, laughing out loud} An impossible task, mind you.

In each of these instances, I remembered feeling badly about the event at the time, finding out later, in each case, that the “wrongdoing” had occurred. I remembered sending prayerful energy to the wronged parties, shrugging and moving on. As I sat with this bundle, I realized I had been sending energy to those same parties ever since. Energy funneled through my own field, rather than surrendering the outcomes unconditionally to Source. I thought I had done. I had forgotten all about each case. And yet, in continuing to send reparation and atonement energy on auto-pilot, I had neither forgiven myself, a form of withholding, nor let the situations go. Part of me was still trying to be in control. Ha! Gotcha!

Gangaji once said “…when you can look in a mirror and know that you are unconditionally forgiven, that you are unconditionally loved, you are home.” At the time, long years ago now, I thought that was all well and good and it would find me when it was ready. I knew I had not yet understood. And, truth be told, I had not finished beating myself up enough. The understanding of any of the phases of enlightenment is part of the process. So, you see, when I tell you not to beat yourself up, I speak from experience! I have been my own most horrific taskmaster. It was never necessary, nor is it for you.

I cannot reassure you enough, or caution you enough, that there are no silver bullets, there is no instant “completion” and there is always more of consciousness into which we expand. Enlightenment is a process, not an event!

These layers of self-condemnation, self-blame, self-judgement, had been held in my physical body, long after they had been resolved in consciousness. Patience. Patience with oneself is the long game. SELF-realization is the certainty that we are the multi-verse and that it is ever unfolding to us and within us.

It used to make me a little crazy when I was told to “relax… take it as it comes…” when I wanted to be fully awake so very badly. And yet, that impatience was one of the states of mind that was most in the way. When we see enough of a pattern to let it go, we know. And then, there just might be more, somewhere along the way. Don’t dismay.

Let me spell this out a bit. In one instance, I left Germany with $20 of a friend’s money in my wallet, with a note attached to purchase a supplement for her and mail it when I could. I forgot. I vaguely remember finding the cash, tucked away in a secret wallet corner, and tossing the note, as I was “cleaning out”. I figured it must be an old shopping list or something. When I realized what I had done, I pounded myself severely. How could I have betrayed a friend like that? {This was a couple of years later, btw, when I finally realized.} How could I have felt so entitled as to ignore a friend’s request? Oh, how shameful! I could never deserve to be one with the Divine, having done such a horrible thing! You see, when I laugh at your inner Judge, it is because mine was given powers both vast and mighty! {Laughing out loud here.}

What these little scenarios set up for me, as I was unable to forgive and let go, were larger scenarios, repeated over and over in this life, where I have been seemingly “betrayed” or “hard done by” by others. Even as I surrendered and let go and asked the WTF question over and over, the setup was that this was deserved… and I had no idea, mentally. The unconscious part of my inner judge was never going to let me see the setup. Neither will yours, until you have the humility to simply and quietly ask HER. This level of simple humility comes with practice, like anything else.

For the past fortnight or so, as these things have been arising within me, (yay, you see?) I have been awash in gratitude. Gratitude for the love in my life. The love that comes from some of you…the love that SHE holds me in, constantly. I am so loved! And I am so unconditionally grateful… especially to finally be able to let go and receive.

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You won’t know until you know. Choose to trust that, and keep letting go. {And never give up! Never!}

What you may not yet understand, or perhaps you do, is that the light in this transit has been overwhelming. I am so held, and in such joy. SHE chooses these times to bring up things we otherwise might not have the clarity to perceive.

Take heart! It is HER heart, remember?!

So much love to you,
Nalini

PS - “Thank you {meaning HER} that all effects of my mistakes are mitigated and forgiven. Thank you that repairs are made and reparations given wherever they are needed. Thank you that this is done. Thank you that actions will find me if they are mine to do. Thank you.”

It is we who need to forgive. In HER sight, we are children, learning. We are HERS. What’s not to love?

~ Namaste ~

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~ You are Here ~